Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Top Ten Chicago Comics I wanted to FÜ©K of 2012 By: Bill Cruz

Bill "The Gay Bully" Cruz
(Editors Note: The following is an Op-Ed piece by Bill Cruz. A new comic will be named each day until all 10 are listed, spellings/format are as Cruz intended, so don't email us about it... Enjoy!)

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s that time of year again! That’s right, it's the Top Ten Chicago Comics I wanted to FÜ©K of 2012! Candidates are judged by both sexiness, and talent. In addition, no one from the two previous years list were eligible for this list. I will be releasing a name each day until we hit #1. What started as a joke is now a running gag. This is fun for me, and should be fun for you. What a wonderful year is was for Dick Pics, although such actions are not required. But a super thank you to those who did!

So without Further Ado... Top Ten Chicago Comics I wanted to FÜ©K of 2012!

10. Collin Bullock
Bollocks you say?! What’s all this then?! For the man who drops a clanger every fortnight, I am amazed at the tenacity of this Wanker. For all the grief this bovver boy takes, and causes, his commitment to comedy should be noted. Regardless of his being one of the loudest critics of the “scene”, he continues to work on his craft and contributes to its growth and challenges others to raise the bar. To me that’s a mighty bit of crumpet, and gets this tosser the #10 spot.
Theme: British Slang

9. Joe Motisi
Holy mackerel! Although we saw the last of this Great White’s Stand Up in 2012, his whale of accomplishments cannot go without acknowledgement. Not only was he cracking wise all year, but he pretended to be a female comic in the scene using social media as his mask. Some comics showed their true tiger stripes, proving that they were no angels, and ended up denting themselves .Oh oh, better get Mako! The hammer-heads of this scene better learn to be better men while they nurse their wounds. “To hold as 'twere the mirror up to nature” is super sexy, and solidifies Joe at #9!
Theme: Shark names

#8. Goodrich Gevaart 
OMG! #FF @goodrichgevaart! 1 of my faves this year. This self-proclaimed MA’AM had me LMAO all year. IMHO, his feminist take is a welcomed

addition to the sea of comic male voices . FYI, he’s gr8 on stage, house basement, or Greyhound bus bathroom. He’s def putting himself fwd 4

the world to njoy. YOLO! 1 to watch in 2013. Plz go c this str8 who comes in at #eight. #gaybully
Theme: Twitter; abbreviations, and each stanza is less than 140 characters.

#7. Dan Drees
He’s not sorta cute, he’s downright adorable, flushing my cheeks all kinds of reds. And that face: What Kind Round Peepers that warm a chilly heart. Sure I get jealous when he’s out graben gals, but how can you stay mad at that smile. He’s been a bear cataloging tons of comedy hours, both behind and on stage and is really starting to impress! He never seems bored hawking crazy one-liners, or spring eruptions of funny tales. Baby, if you ever wondered what ever became of me, chances are I’m catching a Dan Dress set. He’s my 7th deadly sin!
Theme: Cincinnati

#6. Martin Morrow:
Martin! What a year this Black Knight has had, Boomeranging from improv, sketch, and stand up. At the start of the year, you maybe got to see this Kid Play around at a House Party…. What Happening Now? He’s a major Bad Boy on the entire Chicago comedy scene Doing all The Right Things. He’s been living Life like he has Nothing to Lose. He declared Open Season on Impress these Apes finishing strong, then Rebounded and made audiences go Hog Wild for Farty Marty. There was a Thin Line Between five and eight, which lands this slick at #6. Big Mommas House 2.
Theme: Martin Lawrence projects (*Thin Line Between Love and Hate)

#5. Chris Condren:
What is the key to his success? Perseverance. Chris has been pedaling his new ivory smile, and his grand scale comedy all over town impressing audiences and bar staffs alike. The former baby of the scene is all grown up and upright, fingering every hot spot he can. He expounds a concert of original comedy, multimedia hilarity, striking more than a chord with fellow comics. He’s no regular honky-tonk, and more than just a big pianist, he brings in the Jive at #5.
Theme: Piano/music

#4. Jason Earl Folks:
Not just a great extremity to Bob Palos, Jason has gone out on his own grand limb and made a huge leg up in comedy in 2012. From taking the vast hoof from Annoyance productions to Logan Square’s powerhouse Shinebox comedy, he has left some gigantic shoes to fill for aspiring comics who think they work hard. And nay sayers beware, unkind words should not be spoken within a broad 12 inches of Jason, cause he is a notorious sass squasher. Our lovable Raggity Angry plants his massive clodhopper at #4.
Theme: Big Foot similes


#3. Cameron Gillette:
You’re looking sharp, you’re looking good, you’ve come so far. And you know how to make, the most of who you are. Comedy to fun, it’s what you’ve always done. Gillette, the best a man can get. On so many faces, it’s plain to see, you give all you have to give, for stand-up comedy. When your set is done, you’re the champion. Gillette, the best a man can get. For going against the grain, Cameron lathers in at #3.
Theme: Gillette razor ads:

#2. Adam Burke:
Downton AbbeY eat shit. Chicago’s vocabulary king spouts crazier than a QueBec kettle. Regardless of open mic or theater show, he can unleash manifeSto kernels of dense hilarity with ease. As if pulling a weightless rickShaw, he’s somehow able to Swiftly guide the audience, letting them enJoy certain turns of phrases and Wild english. And whiLe wiser men may exist, none are as titillating to watch. A now baby faced Adam Burke, setting my heart a fIre, lands at #2.
Theme: Irish writers

Here are this year’s 3 honorable mentioned that honor those special ladies that just don’t turn me on enough to want to nail, but just enough to maybe watch someone else nail?

HM: Puterbaugh Sisters:
Don’t bother these pieces of comedic artwork; they’re footworn from spanning the city battling despair! Repairing sisterhood, usually impaired under exposed ductwork at Townhall Pub, this twosome is awesome!
Theme: the words “Two” & “Pair.”

HM: Candy Lawrence:
With a giant heart, and hair like cotton, Candy has an eye for enchanting audiences. Ready to rock strangers with hard impressions and kick ass lines, she is bar none, a great asset. I can’t wait to see what she has in store for 2013!
Theme: Words related to the word “Candy”

HM: Lisa Laureta:
The lovely Chitown clown has grown to such renown. Known for drowning frowns, she rarely letsdown the townsfolk. Never a downer, I crown her, Honorably Mentioned.
Theme: “Own” network. Catch her show “My Life is a Joke”

#1. Tyson Karrasch:
Pound for Pound, the brawler from San Diego is knockdown funny. Learning the ropes of the Chicago scene, he never feared the North Side/South Side combo. Weather taking jabs at social stereotypes, or just hooking in to silliness, Tyson has proven he can go toe to toe with any audience. And from what I hear, he can take a few hits below the belt. For using all Chicago has to offer, he should be on everyone’s card, and thus Pretty Boy Karrasch gets the #1 spot from this sanctioning body.
Theme: Boxing (ala Mike Tyson).

I just want to thank everyone who commented, liked, and followed this year’s list, including the comics themselves.  And a very special Thank you to James Allen Kamp at Comedy of Chicago for co-posting this list!

In addition, just in case anyone missed it I have listed the theme at the end of each section.

PS: The hope is that the 2013 list will be out earlier than usual, so that I can prepare the “ALL STAR” List!

Special Guest Contributor 
Bill Cruz