September 10, 2013

"I am not a fat, black lady!" by Michael Sanchez

Lately it seems that for every website I go to there is a Lane Bryant ad waiting for me. If you aren't
familiar with Lane Bryant, it is a plus-size clothing retailer for women, which makes me wonder if the Internet thinks I am a fat lady. More specifically, based on the ads I've been targeted with, I am a fat, black lady.

I am remotely aware that there is technology in place to determine where I spend my internet time, and that does scare me. Do I really want the government knowing how often I check my email (at least 200 times a day) or go on Myspace (I know I should've quit years ago but Facebook is too classy a place to ask girls out) or the amount of time I spend browsing adult websites (there's no possible way to determine this amount)? Anyway, despite my confessions, that was a rhetorical question. Of course I'm not interested in being stalked by the government, whether it's for a good cause or not.

If the Internet is monitoring me, do I happen to visit all the same websites a fat, black lady might visit? Am I reading the same things a fat, black lady might read or purchasing things a fat, black lady might purchase? Do fat, black ladies buy bike lights or Shins albums or pirate outfits? Do they purchase black pepper in bulk or batteries or discount guitar strings? How about "snug fit" condoms? Do fat, black ladies buy "snug fit" condoms??

The truth is, I don't know. I'm not a fat, black lady. I'm a skinny, latino man. Do you hear me, Internet? If you're reading this right now, listen up! I am not fat or black or a lady. I am skinny and sort of white...

So stop putting Lane Bryant ads up everywhere I go. Don't get me wrong, some of those plus-size models are very attractive but I'd rather be looking at American Apparel models if I have to look at something. They're really more my cup of tea, with their impractical, sexy poses and bright fusia cotton knit tights... Man, those are sexy, huh? Do you think those are sexy, Internet? Hello? Are you out there? Hello?!?

Oh, and by the way, Internet. I wasn't looking at shemaleyum.com. That was my roommate.

Michael Sanchez,
Sanchez is a comedian, writer, film maker and co-producer of I Shit You Not and the Comedians You Should Know showcases. Sanchez is also producing a special, one night only show, featuring Brent Weinbach at the Beat Kitchen september 23.