Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Dear Hoo Ha!

(Editors Note: The all female crew at Hoo Ha Comedy are not only producing one of the hottest standup showcases in town, they have also apparently started answering advice letters. Enjoy.)

Dear Hoo Ha,
Is name-calling during sex okay? My girlfriend wants me to call her a slut during sex, and I'm kind of into it-- except I consider myself a feminist. Is this what Gertrude Stein fought for?
Andy Fleming

Dear Andy,
What's a Gertrude Stein? Is that like some kind of beer mug? We don't know what you're talking about. Definitely call your girlfriend a slut though, not because she asked you to, but because she effs every dude with a tight three under his belt. Do we mean inches or minutes? YES. She doesn't love you,
Hoo HA

Hey Hoo HA!
As a attractive, highly sexual female comic I often wonder if people are booking me for my talent on stage or my talent in the bedroom! Any tips on how to figure out which bookers like me for my comedy and which for my vagina?
Andie Fleming

The Hoo Ha Crew
Hey Andie!
DON'T DRAG YOUR PUSS THROUGH THE SCENE! You're better than that. If you want this to be your job, that's the same as banging your co-workers, and it's always awkward when you have to see someone all the time after you know how bad they are in bed. You will be provided with ample opportunity to hump your way onto various stages. You can be a comic or you can be a cum dumpster. You can also technically be both, but ultimately it cums down to what kind of respect you are looking to get yourself. If you are funny, you will get quality bookings. Bottom line. Hot tip: in general I find it's helpful have a tight set of conversational topics in your back pocket (or bra) for when you get the chance to interact with a male comic/s who seem/s for a moment to be at least pretending to listen. Regardless of whether or not you ever get that big break (in male conversation) the important thing to remember is that it will help you to try and look pretty, wear cute outfits, keep your hair brushed, and SMILE!! If you can present yourself as appealing you can tell ALL these guys what morons they are using the voice inside your head. Keep it tight,
Hoo HA

Dear Hoo HA,
What is the best way to get the audience's attention at an open mic? Sometimes the comics are rowdy, or there's a heckler. I know it's hard to sit still for four hours, but I wait my turn like everybody else!
Andy Flemming

Dear Andy,
"Wah, it's my turn!" What a whiny baby! Is that what you do onstage? Do you cry like a little baby? If so, I think I know why no one wants to watch your set. One great way to capture an audience's attention is by being funny. Have you tried that? Have you tried being funny? Maybe take a break from your goo goo gah gahs and give that a shot. To be funny, you may need more stage time than you're getting, which leads perfectly into my next point: Are you seriously waiting at one open mic for FOUR HOURS to go up? You could hit three open mics in that amount of time! What is this, your first day as a human person? Are you a one day old newborn infant, you tiny baby? Have your mommy pump her breast milk into some to go bottles and hit the road. Goo GA.
Hoo HA

Dear Hoo HA,
Festival submission fees are so expensive, do you think there could ever be a sliding scale to correlate with how much my unemployment benefit is worth?
A. Fleming

Dear A.,
Festivals are probably worthless. Like you. I know what Biggie said: "Mo money, mo problems, Mo Alexander... so get some real money and you'll have some real problems to complain about. If you are paying for festival submissions with government checks then not only should you not quit your day job, but you should really GET ONE. Get off the government's teat and suck this one,
Hoo HA

Dear Hoo HA,
I'm 18, a senior in high school, and I live at home with my parents. I'm technically an adult, but they still treat me like a child. They read my texts, enforce a curfew, and monitor my Internet use. How can I convince them to give me more freedom and privacy?
And E. Fleming

Dear And E.,
Pathetic, pathetic, loser And E., 18 and STILL living at home with your parents? Of course they treat you like a child, because you're acting like one. You want more freedom and privacy? Then go get an apartment, something you have to sign a lease for, as a real person, you moron. Then maybe your parents will begin to respect you. Honestly, I feel sorry for the pathetic, loser dribble that your poor parents have to endure every time they sift through your waste-of-time text messages. They're probably just hoping to find some homeland security infringement shit so they can sell you out to the Feds and get you the hell off their couch. You ever thought, maybe, they were making your life more uncomfortable so you'd maybe get up and LEAVE?!? Yeah, whatever, just start drinking PBR's and playing video games 'til you have a giant beer belly and fat face you hide with a beard, have completely given up, and are still living with your parents at 35, 'cause with this current behavior, that's where you're headed. Good luck!
Hoo HA

Dear Hoo HA,
I've been doing stand up comedy for two and a half years now, and my main problem is that I genuinely like myself. I don't hate my parents, I don't hate everyone else, and I'm not depressed. Every successful comedian seems to be one of these. Will I only be successful if I start hating myself? I'm willing, I guess...
Andrew Fleming

Dear Andrew,
Yes. Seriously,
Hoo HA