May 21, 2014

Guide To Dating A More Successful Comedian...

Comedians in relationships with other comedians. Let’s talk about it.

I don’t mean making out at the Continental after drinking all night at an open mic or showcase. I mean couples that actually build real relationships that last more than a couple of weeks. Relationships that may have started by making out at the Continental after drinking all night at an open mic or showcase.

It’s no surprise that comedians will date each other. We share the same goals, often have similar views, and just plain end up in the same places. That’s the law of proximity. We understand each other. It makes sense.

Chances are that within any comedian couple, there will always be one that is more successful and more talented than the other. If you’re in a comedian relationship and find that you’re the one on the less successful side of the outfit, here’s my advice on how to handle it and even benefit from it:

Get bumped. When you arrive together late at an open mic, the host will often approach your more successful and talented significant other to see if they would like to go up earlier. Seeing you standing there next to your more successful and talented significant other, they will feel guilty not including you in the offer, and ask if you would like to go up early, too. TAKE IT! Why not? Clearly you need the practice.

Get booked. Often at times, people who run local showcases will have trouble getting in touch with your more successful and talented significant other, and will go through you to try to get ahold of him or her. After you've helped them solve the communication problem, they'll ask if you would ever like to perform on a future date. You're booked! All thanks to the fact that your more successful and talented significant other is bad at checking Facebook messages.

The Three CEES
Get in the green room. When your more successful and talented significant other is opening for a bigger act, tag along and get in the green room. First of all, you'll get to meet and maybe even say things to the act he or she is opening for, but most importantly, the drinks are free! It's just fiscally a smart idea.

Go to festivals. It’s likely that your more successful and talented significant other will get into a comedy festival. Go along. Just make sure when you're following him or her into the venue through the chaos, hold your head up high as though you're important and are supposed to be there. When you venture out of the green room without your more successful and talented significant other, wear their lanyard in order to avoid suspicion. No one will actually pay attention to the name on it.

Start a 2am open mic together at a 4am bar. It will inevitably fail, and when it does, your more successful and talented significant other will dump you. But when you get back together, you can both shake your heads about what a terrible idea the mic was. That’s bonding.

Starts June 3!
Meet Brian Posehn at a Just for Laughs after party. When you see Brian Posehn at a Just for Laughs after party, mention to your more successful and talented significant other that you're excited to see Brian Posehn over there, but you're too weird and shy to say anything. Later, your more successful and talented significant other will shove you up to him, introduce you, and you'll awkwardly say something weird about one thing he said on "Just Shoot Me." Perfect. You did it.

Consistently get obnoxiously drunk in front of Doug Stanhope. Remember that part about green room drinks being free? If you can take enough advantage of that, you can be sure to always be drunk to the point of being a burden in front of Doug Stanhope. Why? Because while your more successful and talented significant other is working on building a fanbase and actual career, you’re simply on vacation. Have fun!

So whenever you feel as though you’re stuck hanging in the shadows of your more successful and talented significant other, thinking maybe you should just hold out until he or she becomes successful enough that you can quit your two jobs, remember: There are tons of perks.

Mostly involving getting free booze and embarrassing yourself in front of strangers.

Contributing Writer Maggie Ednie
Ednie is a comedian, writer and producer. Her new showcase, The Three Cees, (which she co-produces with Andrew Halter and Junior Stopka) starts in June.