Five Lies Comedians Tell Themselves:
1. They didn’t “get” me.
Oh, they got you. That was the problem.
2. I got the light early.
You probably didn’t, and if you did it wasn’t because you were being TOO funny.
3. I was feeling off today.
You woke up at 7pm and laid around for another 3 hours, then drank free coffee at a club. You haven’t even had a “today”.
4. These weren’t “my people”.
You’re a weirdo who likes to get on stage in front of 3 drunk guys on a Tuesday night and try to be funny. Most people aren’t “your people”. But if you are going to pursue comedy you have to be able to make other people’s “people” laugh too.
5. The guy before me bombed and killed my crowd.
First of all, that’s not how it works. If a comic kills, then maybe you can coast on that high for a little while through your set. But if a comic bombs, I promise you that the crowd is begging to see something to funny to cleanse their pallet. Nobody ever went wrong taking advantage of a lowered bar. Second of all,
Five Lies Audiences Tell Themselves
1. I could do that.
No you can’t. That’s probably a good thing. You have a job and a family. How about you just sit back and enjoy the show.
2. They want us to shout at them.
Come on man, you know that’s not true. They are doing a performance. If you have something important to say, you can do it after the show. I’m sure the comics would love to meet you. How much have you been drinking?
3. I’m not even drunk.
Okay! Okay! Relax buddy. No need to get angry. I understand that there’s a drink minimum and you’re just trying to have a good time. But other people paid money to be here, just try to pay attention.
4. Seriously, I could do that.
Again, No. You can’t. These guys are professionals. They’ve worked for years to hone their skills, and they did all for your enjoyment. I’m sure you’re really funny at parties and your buddy Tony from work is always saying you should do standup, but unfortunately tonight is not the night. I’m only going to tell you one more time, sit back and enjoy the show.
5. Hey Asshole, hows about you give somebody funny a chance, Eh! Eh!
Alright you’re outta here man. You’ve ruined the show for everyone. Oh God, why are you taking your pants off!? Sir! Sir, please leave the club. Please just…no…no, put that away! This is ridiculous…hahaha. .. You know what? You actually are kind of funny. Why don’t you come back for our open mic. Nice meeting you.
Matt Chiaramonte Contributing Writer
Matt is a comedian, writer, producer and Laugh Factory Staff Member.